What I Learned After Going Through Breast Cancer … the GOOD

Like most of us who are younger (me young’ish), with no family history, cancer was never on my radar. I just thought, it won’t happen to me – but 5 years ago it did. I am now in remission, but my life plan didn’t include depleting my savings, being tired half the time, gaining 20 lbs and always living with the fear of having a recurrence. In spite of all that, at my core I’m now a happier person – cancer definitely gave me some unexpected wisdom.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff …

We all get annoyed, angry and upset by things. My list of those things was pretty long but after my diagnosis, one of the first things that became apparent was that ALL of those things seemed so insignificant. It suddenly felt as though I had wasted so much energy getting annoyed by ‘stuff’ that really didn’t matter. It then all seemed like ‘small stuff’. Another way to look at it is to ask yourself “6 months from now, will this matter?” and most of the time the answer is a big fat NO. There may be a situation that does warrant getting upset, but the key there is to honour your feelings while not letting them consume you. Once I spent a lot less time getting annoyed, suddenly there was so much more time to stop and ‘smell the colourful roses’. Who knew it was that easy.

When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also develop inner happiness and peace – Dalai Lama XIV

It really is true that one kind word can change someone’s entire day. To say that going through cancer is difficult, is an understatement. There are so many aspects that are challenging and it undoubtedly takes a huge physical and emotional toll. What I realized during that time was that every kind word or gesture was uplifting, regardless of how inconsequential it may have seemed to the other person. When someone showed me love and kindness during the time I needed it most, it really made a difference in my day and in my soul. So be kind, be loving not only to others but also to yourself.

Happiness can exist only in Acceptance – George Orwell

After my diagnosis, I was angry, sad and confused. How and why did this happen to ME?! One of the worst things for someone like me with a Type A personality is having no control over what is happening in your life. I had cancer and there was nothing I could do to change that. It’s frustrating, overwhelming and you can drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of it all.  Somehow, in the midst of everything while just trying to get through each day, I stopped resisting and accepted the reality of the situation. There is a serenity that came with accepting the thing I could not change. That acceptance gave way to finding happiness in those dark days and a gratitude and appreciation for my life. 5 years later, I am much better at accepting what is and going with the flow. Life is good!

I wrote this article for Future Female Magazine – http://www.futurefemalemag.com

 

Breast Reconstruction Part 3

Hello … I know I haven’t written in awhile. This past year and a half has been non stop, between recovering from surgery, working full time, starting my business, having more surgery and trying to have a life.

Last summer, my second reconstructive surgery was so much easier than the previous latissimus dorsi flap surgery. I could actually move post surgery!! Woo hoo! They never prepare you for any of this and I didn’t connect with anyone who had been through this surgery, so wasn’t able to ask questions and get an answer from someone who had experienced things first hand. I did go to a couple of support groups but no one in the group had reconstruction. I guess it’s true … a lot of women don’t have reconstruction done. And I get it, who wants to have more surgery when you’ve already been through surgery, chemo and radiation. You just want to get on with your life. Except it’s never that easy.

Part 3 of breast reconstruction coming up soon … this should be the last surgery. Almost 5 years after diagnosis, all surgeries will finally hopefully be done.

 

Treatment is Done Now Get Over it. Really???

This was an interesting article/post by another woman with breast cancer. I have read her blog for the last 3 years and although I have never met her I feel that connection to her … I laugh and cry sometimes when I read her posts and hear her story. It always resonates with me somehow.

The below is highlighting the fact that people think that when the gruelling treatment is over, you should just be happy and get back to your previous life. It doesn’t work that way and it is difficult to put into words the myriad of emotions you experience. However the article below does a great job of explaining what it’s like. Please read so that you understand just a little more than you did before.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/breast-cancer-dont-ask-us-to-get-over-it_us_57f18712e4b07f20daa10e51?timestamp=1475450545778

Back to Work Already???

It’s now been 5 weeks since I had surgery and I am still sore when I wake up but definitely better than last week. I can drive without any pain and I can dress myself no problem, although trying to lift my arm straight up is uncomfortable. Funny how we take those basic things for granted. Still can’t buy too much when I am doing groceries as I am not supposed to lift anything too heavy. Fortunately it’s summer and I can go more frequently and just get the few things I need.

Work has been stressing me out. Work meaning my return to work. Because my doctor put that it’s a 3-4 week recovery they wanted me back to work Aug 1st, even though the date on the form was Aug 15th (which for some reason I thought was the timeline) but I thought wrong. My issue is that no one called me to tell me this until I called to find out about my pay! Why would they not inform me of this?! So now they’ve extended it a couple of days to Aug 3rd, which is the day I see my surgeon for a follow up. I’ve asked to return to work the following Monday with the option to work from home. Don’t want to carry my laptop back and forth that first week and also don’t want to have to wear a bra all day. It starts to hurt after awhile.

We will see what happens …

Breast Reconstruction – feel like the Bride of Frankenstein

I am now 17 days post surgery and am recovering well. I wish someone had described to me what it would be like so that I would not have been as nervous. Oh well, I made it through the worst part and it was fine even with a few bumps a long the way.

The first week after surgery was not pleasant. Surgery day I was anxious and emotional. At the hospital during pre-surgery prep the nurse got the IV in on the first try with minimal pain. Thank god! And she was really very nice. In those situations (sometimes any situation) one kind word can make you feel better, it really can make a difference. I was then prepped and ready in my hospital gown and off to the surgery waiting area. The anesthesiologist then came over to have a brief chat. It was the same person I had for my previous surgery. I had requested her, hoping she was available and she was scheduled that day so put her name in on my surgery. Happy about that! Also made me feel a little better. While walking over to the OR, all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with emotion. Maybe everything came back … I’m really not sure what happened but we had to take a pause before continuing. It was emotionally overwhelming, cutting off my breast and now having them start to reconstruct it. Breast cancer which now seems to be gone but you never know, and there’s always that fear lingering in the back of your mind. After a couple of minutes I was ok and continued down the hallway to the OR. Once there, I was being strapped in and the resident introduced himself, my surgeon came in, everyone was bustling around and then I felt light headed …

The nurse was tapping my shoulder waking me up. Surgery was over, I made it!! Woo hoo! She was asking how much pain I was in and checked everything. The pain was quite a bit, I was pretty sore even though I was on morphine. They gave me more drugs and waited for the pain to go below a 5/10 before they sent me up to my room. I could barely move. There was pain in my back, my front, my arm, and my stomach. I am guessing a few hours went by (not sure since it’s a blur) but I was finally ready to be taken to my room. This nurse was also very nice and told the two taking me up to my room to go slow as I was very sore. Every bump, every movement HURT!

Finally got to my room and my mom also came in to see me. Shortly after my brothers and Dad came to see me as well. My nieces made me a card and video, which was so sweet.

I was to be in the hospital until the next morning. The next 24 hours were not pleasant. I was so sick (nausea vomiting) I couldn’t eat. Also I could barely move so once I was lying down that’s the position I was going to stay in. Needed a nurse to help me out of bed and to the bathroom and then back into bed. Could not lean forward very much so always needed help with reaching anything. 3 of the nurses were great the other 2 were horrible! The nurse I had to call at 3:30am to help me to the bathroom was the worst. She was so unhelpful!! After I went to the bathroom she left so I made it back to my bed but could not properly get back in. When she came back, she helped me into bed but didn’t straighten out my sheets so I couldn’t get them over me properly, even though I had asked her to. She was such a miserable bitch. My nurse was on break which is why this woman was there instead. Finally another nurse came to help the lady I was sharing the room with and then she came over to help me. I was so frustrated at this point I started crying. Ugh. This other nurse was so lovely and my other 2 were great as well. When you’re helpless and in pain and can’t even get out of bed, it is the worst feeling when the person who is supposed to help you doesn’t give a shit and is barely helping. I complained about that nurse and they said she was from an agency.

The next morning was okay aside from the fact that I was dehydrated due to not being able to keep anything down. They had to keep me there an extra couple of hours because I needed fluid. After that my mom came to get me and was irritable and being bitchy. WTF?! I just had major surgery and she’s gonna act like that?!?! I was so angry after that I didn’t even want to speak to her. But unfortunately I had to stay with her for a few days since I needed help and live alone. The downside of being single.

I spent the first week in pain, and binge watching Netflix. Couldn’t do a whole lot and sleeping was uncomfortable but it was bearable. I had drains coming out of my back, there was fluid oozing out of the open area, had really bad blisters from the bandaid/dressing tape, and my stomach was purple from the bruising. My chest area wasn’t so bad but looked like patchwork and looking at myself in the mirror the first time was difficult. She had taken a piece of skin from my back and put it in the front so that there would be more space to create a “breast” since radiated skin is not very elastic. She took fat from my stomach and put it into the breast area so I now have the beginnings of a breast. There will be more work done later but I get a 2-3 month break.

After spending eight days at my mothers house I finally came home. While I am thankful that she was helpful it wasn’t always pleasant so I was very happy to be back in my own space. Oh and I was really excited to be able to take a shower again … no more sponge baths!! Funny how we take the simple things for granted.

I have a huge scar on my back and 2 scars in the front. I feel like the Bride of Frankenstein but I keep telling myself that eventually all will look kind of normal again. I will never look the way I did before but that’s okay. As long as I am cancer free and can wear a normal bra, I’m happy.

 

 

 

No it’s not breast augmentation!

I realize that I do not write nearly as much as I did before. I do love writing but I have now returned to work full time and trying to maintain my healthy lifestyle is so exhausting. Also I have decided to start my own business. Doing all of this while trying to still have a life and doing the things I enjoy is close to impossible. I generally don’t get enough sleep anymore. For me not enough sleep means less than 8-9 hours. Well, I will have lots of time to sleep soon enough … I am having reconstructive surgery in 10 days.

I am a little anxious about the 3-4 hour surgery as it’s longer than the mastectomy (90 mins) and I am in the hospital overnight. Then there is the 3-6 week recovery depending on how things go. I will be off of work for 6 weeks which at least is now in the summer so I can go for walks, sit on the balcony etc. Recovering in the winter would be depressing … Netflix binge watching!

It’s the latissimus dorsi flap, but muscle sparing breast reconstruction. A strip of my lat muscle will be moved around to the front under my chest and reattached. Then a tissue expander will be put in so that my skin can be stretched. Stretching the skin … that just sounds painful but it is what it is. Once that is done, there is the second surgery 3 months later to take out the expander and put in an implant so by Christmas everything will be done. It’s an elective surgery that I chose to have. I know some women opt to forego the reconstruction but I want to be able to wear a normal bra with no more prosthesis, wear my normal clothes again and just feel closer to myself.

So this is nothing like breast augmentation, actually part 2 is closer to being like just getting an implant but this is a 6 month process … Surgery part 1, stretching the skin, surgery part 2. A lot of people assume that it’s just like getting implants and it’s far from that. Because I have radiated skin the flap needs to be created using my lat muscle. Then, aside from the obvious where I have no breast – no breast tissue, no nipple, there’s also an emotional component that people forget about. Oh and did I mention that a nipple has to be created! The last part of the process but still a part nonetheless. This is all still part of the breast cancer treatment plan.  Being back in the hospital, doing rehab and physio, being off of work to recover … it all brings back memories of the last (close to) 3 years. Wow, it’s been almost 3 years since my diagnosis!! 2 years and 3 months in remission 🙂

I just want the surgery to be over, I will be relieved once it is done. My left side may look like the bride of frankenstein after but at this point I really don’t care.

 

Sick of Being Sick

It’s been 3 months since all of the craziness happened. After that I had a couple of good weeks and then just before my birthday (mid January) I got sick. I felt crappy for over a week but finally got over it. Then I saw my 2 year old niece and of course caught her cold so was sick again. UGH. This time it didn’t last as long but just as I was feeling better I woke up one morning and the room was spinning! Vertigo!? Why did that happen?? It lasted a few minutes and then stopped but left me feeling nauseated. The nausea would not subside. What was this … do I have a brain tumour or is it just ear related and peripheral. Saw my Doctor and he concluded that it was peripheral and that it was Labyrinthitis – inflammation of a part of the inner ear. A type of ear infection that will generally resolve on it’s own, however until then I couldn’t drive. I live alone and am now near my parents in the burbs. I miss being in the city … where you can walk to most places and if not there’s always the subway. 

After a few days I thought finally things would be back to normal but no … I had dinner and within an hour I started feeling itchy. I ignored it but a few hours later it was worse. Hives?! What the hell is going on!! I’ve always eaten shrimp so this was bizarre. Anyhow, after 3 days of burning and itching all over my body (even with Benadryl), the hives finally subsided. I really should have gone to the ER according to my doctor, who also gave me an epi pen it case it happened again and was worse. I had few weeks of feeling ok and then got sick again (which was yesterday). Today I feel better after taking a sick day and sleeping a lot. Can I just have a month of not being sick, no pain, no appointments or medical tests??? Probably not. At least not right now. SIGH. That’s ok, I can live with that. After getting past the frustration and exhaustion of being sick or dealing with something, I’m thankful that there is no cancer recurrence. Everything else I can deal with. Today is exactly 2 years cancer free!!! So I really am just grateful for that. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tamoxifen – Friend or Foe?? (may be TMI for some)

After having such a gruelling week I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing, stress free weekend … of course that didn’t happen.

It was 4am and I woke up in pain. The abdominal pain had not subsided and now I felt like I had just gotten my period. I told myself “that can’t be, I’m on tamoxifen” so I’m in a drug induced menopausal state. I got out of bed to use the bathroom and there it was, showing up 2 years later. WTF?! The week from hell wasn’t over and had just gone from bad to worse. All I saw was red everywhere. I showered, changed and took all off my sheets and threw them in the washing machine. My pyjama bottoms were soaked so those just went in the trash. Distressed, I finally went back to bed.

The next morning I called and left a message for my oncologist. The abdominal pain now made sense … all this time I was having really bad cramps. Never had such bad cramps before but also never had such a heavy menstrual cycle. This was worse than anything I had experienced before. There was no light day start, just jumped to ‘worse than my heaviest day ever!’ I didn’t do much the rest of the day as I could only make it through an hour and a half with both a pad and a tampon (and they were Supers). This is ridiculous!! What is going on???

I was getting worried since this was not supposed to happen. Although there could be several reasons for this, one of those reasons is uterine/endometrial cancer. Tamoxifen is generally prescribed to women who are diagnosed with ER+ (estrogen receptor positive) breast cancer. It is meant to reduce the chance of recurrence but every drug comes with risks and side effects.

Tamoxifen works by blocking estrogen’s effects: It interferes with estrogen’s ability to stimulate the growth of breast cancer cells. It is a SERM. 

• Selective estrogen receptor modulators (SERMs) bind to estrogen receptors, preventing estrogen from binding. Examples of SERMs approved by the FDA are tamoxifen (Nolvadex®), raloxifene (Evista®), and toremifene (Fareston®). Tamoxifen has been used for more than 30 years to treat hormone receptor-positive breast cancer. Because SERMs bind to estrogen receptors, they can potentially not only block estrogen activity (i.e., serve as estrogen antagonists) but also mimic estrogen effects (i.e., serve as estrogen agonists). Most SERMs behave as estrogen antagonists in some tissues and as estrogen agonists in other tissues. For example, tamoxifen blocks the effects of estrogen in breast tissue but acts like estrogen in the uterus and bone.

Tamoxifen Side Effects:

• Risk of blood clots, especially in the lungs and legs
• Stroke
• Cataracts
• Endometrial and uterine cancers
• Bone loss in premenopausal women
• Mood swings, depression, and loss of libido

National Cancer Institute. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.cancer.gov/types/breast/breast-hormone-therapy-fact-sheet#q4

Benefits – Tamoxifen can:

• reduce the risk of breast cancer coming back by 40% to 50% in postmenopausal women and by 30% to 50% in premenopausal women
• reduce the risk of a new cancer developing in the other breast by about 50%

BreastCancer.org. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/hormonal/serms/tamoxifen

The above information is what Tamoxifen CAN do, not WILL do. Statistically, yes it can (and I think usually does) help, but there is no guarantee. In any study there are so many variables that we are not aware of. How many of those women in the study/trials fit my profile? No clue and no way for me to know.

There is a very small chance that it is uterine/endometrial cancer, but nonetheless I am kind of freaking out. I try to relax as much as I can, which is always easier said than done.

Just when things were starting to feel somewhat normal, this happens! UGH!!! I feel overwhelmed again. Is the drug just not working anymore, did my ovaries just wake up out of their coma, or is it something more serious??? I am now waiting … will see oncologist and then be referred to gynaecology, will have to have more tests (unpleasant ones I’m sure) and then we will know something.

Tamoxifen … the FRENEMY.

Finally Friday … The Longest Week Ever!

This has felt like the longest week ever. TGIF!! I haven’t said that in awhile. I’m still in pain but it’s not as bad as last night. My mom told me to take a sick day but I felt obligated to go in and finish the project I was working on. Deadline is end of day today. I thought I’d be able to leave early and finish it over the weekend. Well no such luck. Got an email from my boss saying that he needed it tonight and Monday was too late. Are you kidding me?!?! There was no meeting scheduled for Saturday morning! Ugh. I could feel the frustration starting again. I let him know that my back pain had gotten much worse and that I could not work late so would not be able to get it finished tonight. His response was only to let him know what still needed to be done and he would finish it. There was no concern or acknowledgement of the pain I was in. Just a simple “sorry to hear you’re not feeling well” would have sufficed. It was the fact that he didn’t even acknowledge it that was upsetting! I could feel the frustration building … I’ve now passed 5 and am getting closer to 10. SIGH. I go for a short walk, grab some lunch and head back to my desk. The abdominal/back pain has not subsided. I make an appointment with my GP for Tuesday. If it gets worse I can always go to the walk in they have in the afternoon. 

My coworker is frustrated as well and starts venting, I listen and then share my frustration with her. All of a sudden I’m crying. What is happening?! I have never in 20 years, cried at work!! “Get it together” I tell myself. A minute later I’m fine but clearly I am overwhelmed again, something I’m not used to. Part of it is the fact that my eating and exercise all went out the window this week. Something I cannot afford. Oh and let’s not forget that I’ve been working all day while in pain. I will NOT be doing this again. I’m going to talk to my oncologist and HR and then figure something out. 

I continue working madly, trying to get everything done. My coworkers have now both left. It’s after 5pm and I am still working. Now my thoughts have turned into ‘I hate my job, I want to quit, this is not how life is supposed to be … At least not my life!’. Finally at 6:30 I send my boss an email with what I’ve completed and leave the rest for him to finish. I got most of it done but there was still a bit left to do (which he apparently needed completed that night). 

Home sweet home. My week from hell is finally over. All I want to do is NOTHING, turn my brain off and relax. I get my heating pad (for my back) and find a movie to watch. Beyond the mental and physical exhaustion, my entire left side and abdomen are in pain. Monday may have to be a sick day. 

No one prepared me for how rough it would be at times even after treatment was over. Like everyone else, I thought after completing treatment I’d be back to normal. Definitely not the case but I did make through the week and the weekend is here!! 

It’s only Tuesday?!

I hear Adele’s voice in the background … Love her! Oh crap it’s my alarm! It’s 6:45am, I need to get up, get ready and get to work. Maybe I need to change that song to something less soothing in the morning. Shower, change, hair, makeup, mini breakfast (otherwise I feel horrible) and 8am I’m out the door! Catch the train downtown and 30 minutes later I’m at Union station. I then walk for 15 minutes in the underground PATH with tons of other people, and am in the office just after 9am. The ‘month before diagnosis’ routine … Hit snooze several times, finally get up at around 8am, rush and get ready, leave at 8:45 on an empty stomach. Hop on the subway and get into the office by 9:30. Funny how things have changed for the better! 

Monday I worked from home so I got up at 8:30, made my tea and logged on. It was a steady work day, not too busy but busy enough. I worked 8 hours and logged off. All good. Now comes Day 2 of my first full time week. I am helping with a project that my boss is working on. It’s been going okay but I’m not able to work as fast as before. I’ve been away for over 2 years and I still have issues with my memory and concentration. I get an email from my boss saying he needs part of this by the end of the day. Wait, what?! Now I’m scrambling trying to work as fast as I can, but not too fast as I don’t want to make any mistakes! I’m looking at 10,000 rows of data, data that needs to be amalgamated, cleaned up, manipulated and then put into a prettier format where the data that needs to be seen is seen. Formulas, pivot tables, analysis, all of it feels overwhelming as my mental acuity is not 100% right now and let’s not forget that I haven’t done any of this stuff in soooo long. Who’s gonna remember?! Needless to say I didn’t get everything done by 5pm so I stayed until 6:30pm. My back, neck and shoulder (surgery side) are now in a lot of pain, pain that started when I returned to work, pain that has me back in physiotherapy and has my body saying “why are you doing this to me?? I’ve been through so much trauma already and I’m still recovering. You were helping me heal and I was getting stronger but today you went too far. Remember I am still not 100%. I am not ready for this, I need more time. We made it through today but I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.” Walking to union station I thought, “I’m exhausted and now the pain is shooting down my arm. When will this week be over, is it Friday yet? Omg it’s only Tuesday!!! Ugh.”

Wednesday and Thursday, were more of the same. It’s now 7pm and I’m on my way home. Fortunately I drove to work today. I should not be leaving the office this late, especially my first full week!! Next thing I know I’m in tears. I don’t know what happened. I guess the feeling of frustration, exhaustion, pain and stress became too much. I was so on edge that the littlest disappointment at the end of the day pushed me over that invisible cliff. I took a deep breath, put on my music and felt a little better by the time I got to my Mom’s. Thank God for my mother, she can drive me a little crazy but I love her and don’t know what I would do without her right now. She still cooks most nights for herself, my dad, my baby brother and now ME. Days I’m in the office, I’m way too exhausted to do anything when I get home so I usually go straight to my parents house. Today after dinner I was in so much pain that my mom gave me short massage. Felt a little better and shortly after I went home. I’m so exhausted, all I can do at this point is change into my PJs and watch a little tv before bed. Lying on the sofa I can’t seem get comfortable. Now I’m also having pain in my lower back and abdomen. The pain is getting so bad it’s almost debilitating. Wtf is going on?! I need to take some Advil and go to bed. Thank god tomorrow is Friday!!