#6 last chemo cycle! Or not?

Today was chemo number 6 my last one. I was happy today after days of being depressed. Only to find out that after surgery my oncologist may want to give me more chemo!? Because I’m responding well and the internal mammary node is not being removed. That is treated with chemo and radiation because of the location. Once I have the MRI I guess we will have a better idea of where things stand. She does then want another CT scan in Jan at some point after surgery. My oncologist was very sweet today … I think because I started crying. She actually hugged me which I totally didn’t expect! She also gave me some drugs to help with the depression Lol. A mild dosage so we will see what happens.

Oh and surgery has also changed. My oncologist doesn’t want to wait 6 weeks. So tmo I have an appt with the surgeon doing the mastectomy. This is getting difficult. I think I need to see a counsellor. I did talk to someone in house and also got referred to one of the hospital psychologists/psychiatrists. No I’m not crazy just dealing with breast cancer which isn’t stage 1!!! Also dealing with a few other things that just added to all this craziness. Ugh!

On a happy note a friend of mine (CT) came to the hospital to see me. Very sweet of her. LOVE
It seems to me that it’s the people who you least expect that seem to be there for you more. I guess in times like these people show you who they really are. She brought me a lovely card and a book. Thank you sweetheart, it was really nice to see you. XOXO

Will update on my appt and surgery rescheduling/details after tomorrow.

Drugged and exhausted. Time to meditate and go to bed.

I need a vacation so bad!!!

Surgery

I’m pretty tired today. Went to my place to get a few more things that I needed. This was after picking up my niece and dropping her off at home … All this with my mom of course. I decided to go with her at the last minute. Being home all the time I’m sure is adding to me feeling depressed. I’ve also realized that I don’t have a lot of close friends. Tons of acquaintances but friends that are going to come see me or spend time with me. Not too many. The couple of friends that would spend time live at the opposite end of the city. Sucks.

Talked to my cousin (surgeon) and her husband (anesthetist) today and they helped me feel more comfortable about the surgery. I’m still a little nervous but I feel a little more at ease.

Last chemo treatment coming up. I need to do something to celebrate. Or at least take advantage of the couple of weeks prior to surgery where I feel ok. Would be nice to go away for a week in December before surgery … I’m going in April or whenever radiation is over and I can go BUT would be nice to go around the holidays. 3 weeks from now I’m going to go get a massage, mani and pedi though!

I’ve been thinking about the friendships in the last 15 years that I didn’t nurture. More in the past than recent years. Friends that probably would have still been good friends today. I’ve also been thinking about the guys that I could have had relationships with that were good guys that I just wasn’t receptive to. I almost feel like I’m starting over with friends, men, and my career. It’s almost like being 20 all over again. Being 20 minus the feeling of being care free with your whole life ahead of you. SIGH.

Chocolate Cake!

My brother and his wife moved into a new place and invited us over for lunch today. Even though I had a headache I went. Lunch was great, all healthy vegetarian stuff :). Then they got a chocolate cake to celebrate my last chemo treatment coming up on wed. That was very sweet and thoughtful and I really appreciated it. {LOVE}

The part that sucked was that I was depressed all day including after I got home … In part due to something my dad said. He has issues and I have to do my best to ignore them. The problem is right now I’m too sensitive and emotional so it’s extremely difficult. Sometimes I don’t know how to shake it. Then again it’s not something I can just shake off. Just have to tell myself that this is temporary and it will pass. I made it through almost 4 months … Have roughly another 4 months to go. So almost half way through. At times I just don’t know if I can make through living with my parents for another 4 months (mostly my dad).

I really want 2013 to be over. I do get a 1 month break before surgery. Have an MRI in there and a couple of consultation and follow up appointments. Maybe I can actually enjoy the holidays!

I wonder how much the tumours have shrunk? The MRI will tell me … Praying and keeping my fingers crossed for good news. The larger one in my breast is still there but i think it’s shrunk significantly.

The other thing I have to stop doing is reading stuff on the internet because it can be depressing. I joined an online support group but the women looking for support it’s because they are experiencing something negative (usually) so reading the responses just made me more depressed. It sounded like these women haven’t gotten back to normal which is not what I needed to hear. I know of other women who have gotten back to normal and I need to focus on me getting back to normal. Even if it’s a year from now since I don’t expect it to happen right away. I’m sure mentally, emotionally and physically it’s a process.

Going to meditate now. It seemed to relax me last night so will hopefully do the same tonight although I already feel quite tired. Maybe it’s the lorazepam I took haha.

2014 will be a better year. The start of the year may be rough but it will only get better!

No crying

Today I didn’t cry … Maybe I cried enough yesterday to last a few days. My eyes were puffy this morning so I wasn’t exactly looking great. Not that it matters, it’s not like I went anywhere. Maybe I should try going to do a yoga class. I just feel so tired all the time that going anywhere seems like such a task. I think it’s also my room being cluttered and not being the way I’d like it to be. It’s not motivating. The clutter in the house is really starting to get to me and there’s nothing I can do. I will focus on my room and at least try to get that in order by Christmas. That way at least by the time I have surgery things will feel more pleasant in my room.

I’m supposed to have my MRI tomorrow but because I had an allergic reaction to the contrast dye I need a prescription before the MRI this time. I emailed my oncologist yesterday and she said she would send a prescription. What does that mean??? Via email? Well there was no email today saying anything. So what do I do? Reschedule the MRI for next week? This is annoying. Everything there seems so disorganized. Frustrating. I emailed her again asking about the prescription and if I get no reply I will call tomorrow morning. I still have to go get the prescription so depending on how far in advance I have to take it the MRI tomorrow night may not work. Ugh.

Oh and my broker still has not made it back here for me to sign back the offer. The thought of having to move in the middle of all this is stressing me out BUT at the same time I’d like to get the place sold and not have to worry about it anymore.

Crying. Good or bad?

Today was just one of this days where I could not stop crying. It wasn’t just one thing, it was everything sort of overwhelming me at once. When I finally stopped crying I felt ok and a bit more relaxed (or maybe it was the adivan haha). No but seriously I think crying is a good release of all the emotions that may be going on. I decided to see if I could find the benefits to crying …

There are a number of things I found. One of which was that the body releases toxins that build up during stress. That sounds great! Also that you’re forced to breathe deeply when you cry which lowers the stress hormone cortisol and lowers anxiety. I think we all need to meditate and do yoga which promotes the deep slow breathing. Lastly it usually just helps us feel better because we are releasing our emotions. There were other technical things I was going to add but I’m too tired but I think we get the gist. It’s healthy to cry. Of course you don’t want to feel sad and be crying all the time but right now I do cry almost everyday and generally I feel better afterwards. It’s a little exhausting but all of this is exhausting. It’s hard for my family to see me cry but hopefully they can see that it’s something I just need to do when I feel like it.

Since I no longer have a gym membership right now I’m going to see if I can do some yoga at home. At least for this week while I feel ok.

Need to find something to do

The last couple of days I’ve been feeling better but still emotionally very up and down. Part of it is probably because I’m home and not living my normal life. I’m not working and now living with my parents. It’s difficult feeling like I can’t do anything or go anywhere. I mean I can at times but my energy level is better during the day and now I have no car so feel stuck until my mom comes home. Yes it was time for my car to finally go. I’ve had that car forever. Also, a lot of the friends I’d hang out with are not in Mississauga. They’re downtown or east of the city. It sucks but I’m halfway through. 1 more chemo treatment to go.

I also don’t really love daytime tv and there’s only so much tv I can watch. I need to read and also find something else to work on. Drawing, redoing bathroom in my room? I used to listen to music and sing a lot, haven’t been doing any of that. Haven’t done much of the things that make me happy and am home feeling tired and sick most of the time. No wonder I feel depressed! The weather is now cold which makes me want to stay indoors even more, especially with my bald head I’m cold even inside. Really need to get that wig!

I’m still reading stories on survivors and what they’re doing. There is a common theme in terms of nutrition/supplements but there’s still so much info it’s confusing.

Still cry everyday. For different reasons. Sometimes it’s something small but I’m emotionally worn out so it’ll make me cry. Other times I’m just sad and then I guess there are moments where I’m frustrated and scared. There are also times where I just feel emotionally overwhelmed with everything and I just feel like crying. Can’t wait until these days are behind me. This has been the most difficult year of my life.

Vacation

I have to keep reminding myself that in 6 months this will all be done and my life can start to normalize. For now I have to stay focussed on the positives. There are always going to negatives but those have to not be paid attention to. Like my friends … I’m disappointed with a couple. One friend just never called me at all. Which is fine but I thought she was a close friend so expected at least an initial phone call to see how I’m doing. After that just every so often is fine. Even my moms close friends have called and come to see me. Maybe I just don’t have too many great friends … Well I guess this will really tell me who is a good friend and who is more of an acquaintance.

I’ve also decided not to have expectations of anyone. Only my family (including extended family) and maybe a couple of people that I know I can depend on. I am so very grateful for my family and those few other people.

I’m going to take a long overdue vacation once my treatment is done. Actually I’ll probably take a couple of vacations … Something to look forward to while going through all of this.

Things to get this week:
WIG
FALSE EYELASHES

Emotionally exhausted

This cycle is definitely going better than the last one (which was horrible). So that is a good thing! I think I’m feeling depressed being at my parents place and feeling like I have no life. I feel too crappy to go anywhere or do anything most of the time. I’m still crying all the time and half the time I don’t even know why. I guess everything is just overwhelming. My brain isn’t working. I’ve had conversations with people that I completely cannot remember at all?! Then when they tell me I think really???

I’m trying my best to just deal with being here but the clutter in the house and things being in disarray is getting to me. I try to remind myself it’s temporary but it’s very unrelaxing. Even my bedroom is kind of like that because I haven’t been well enough to unpack the clothes I brought over most recently. The previous clothes are hung up in the closet. I’ve felt a lot worse since last month. Hopefully I can get some stuff done next week. I wish I could get a designer/renovation crew to come and revamp the house. Especially the kitchen, bathrooms, family room and my room. I can dream … I miss my condo.

Having my eyebrows and eyelashes thinned out isn’t helping anything. Tomorrow my mom and I are going to get a wig. I better get some false lashes too! She wants me to go to her friends place with her tomorrow evening for a dinner party. I know them as well so it might be ok. I’m just apprehensive because I’m so emotional and so tired most of the time. I’ll see how I feel.

I’m thinking of talking to the radiation oncologist because I’m not 100% on radiation after implants. The upside is having only one surgery. It’s all very confusing. SIGH. 6 months from now this will all be over and things will be normal again.

Plastic surgeon

Today I had my appointment with the plastic surgeon to discuss the mastectomy and reconstruction. It was a lot of information but she went through everything in detail and I felt as comfortable as I could. The surgery and reconstruction would be done at the same time. Also the lymph nodes would also be removed at that time from the left side. It’s major surgery but done in the morning and I’m home that night. Home with drains coming out of my arms but at least I’m home. The drains come out 1-3 weeks later. Yuck that sounds nasty but oh well.

We’ve also decided that we’d probably make them a fuller. Right now I’m a 32C so we were thinking a fuller 32C cup. I just want to be a little bigger/fuller than I am now. Not too much bigger or anything. That would feel weird and uncomfortable I think. At least they’ll stay perky till I’m old. Lol.

Also I’m starting to feel more positive again even though my diagnosis is early stage high risk (still locally advanced bc it spread to 2 lymph nodes) Ugh. All of that can be scary if you read too many stats online. We will go with what my oncologist said or wrote on my form for work. She didn’t actually tell me this. I think it’s best not to tell patients as it can scare you and put you in a negative mindset. It said early stage 70-80% 5 year survival rate. Seeing that was difficult … I cannot be in that 20-30%!!! I am going to be in the 80%. I’m responding extremely well to treatment and with all the reading I’ve done on diet/exercise/lifestyle, I know those things will improve my chances. There’s no 100% guarantee but if I can do those things to improve my chances by even 10% then I have a 80-90% chance of staying alive. (God it sounds so weird to say that).

Oh and did I mention that I’m having both breasts removed to further minimize any risk. Even if it’s a little bit. Let’s say that’s 5%. So have I changed it from 70-80% to 85-95% now? That’s what I’m gonna tell myself. No one really knows what will happen tomorrow but I have to believe that those are my odds and that I will be ok for a very long time. Otherwise I’d be living in constant fear which wouldn’t be living at all.

VENT:
Today I was very frustrated by a friend who can’t seem to respect my feelings. We have a few mutual friends who I chose not to share with at this point. That’s my choice and I have my reasons. He keeps trying to convince me to tell them and it’s becoming exhausting and annoying. He was also a little upset that I was not returning his phone calls. Part of it was because he kept harping on this issue and other times I was really just not feeling well and not up to talking. During our last conversation, he also pushed the issue with my ex which I didn’t want to discuss and it got me all worked up because he wanted to know the details of what happened. I already told him I didn’t want to talk about it but he kept going. I was upset and angry after that conversation so thought it best not to talk to this friend for awhile. He still doesn’t seem to get it and is struggling with respecting my feelings and simply being understanding. He seems to be taking things personally and doesn’t seem to get what I’m going through. I’m starting to think telling him was a mistake. He’s not a bad person but doesn’t seem like he gets it. Very unfortunate.

Alternative medicine???

I told a friend of mine recently about my health and she told me that her aunt had breast cancer 4 years ago and did no surgery/chemo/radiation. She opted for alternative medicine and the tumor went away and she’s been cancer free for 4 years. I didn’t ask her yet but I’m assuming it was stage 1 so she caught it a bit earlier. She also changed her diet and did whatever she needed to do to detox her body. She emailed me and shared her story and also gave me her number if I wanted to speak to her further. She is going to send me some reading materials so that I can get more information. It was good to speak to someone I actually know who had this work for her instead of just reading stories on the internet. Very thankful that she emailed me so quickly and shared with me.

Now in my situation this does not mean that I will not finish my treatment. Still going to have surgery after chemo. I just want to do whatever I can for future prevention. So if this worked for her then I’m going to look into it for after my current treatment is done.

Another friend also told me about a friend of his who had oesophageal cancer and his prognosis wasn’t good. Apparently he was in really bad shape. He didn’t use alternative medicine but he did change his diet and has been cancer free for 5 years. It’s good to hear positive stories. I think in his situation the treatment worked and changing things afterwards has helped him stay healthy. You never know what will happen and ignoring the stats is best because it can be discouraging.

It just seems crazy to me that the rate of cancer is on the rise but technology and medicine have advanced. I know 2 other women early to mid 40s dealing with breast and stomach cancer and then 2 other friends just dealing with other health issues. One of these friends is using alternative medicine and diet to get better. She stopped her drugs and what she is doing now is helping her slowly get better. So happy that she’s recovering!

Today was day 3 and I had no aches and pains this time. A little muscle tightness, twinges and of course fatigue but so much better than the last time! I still emotionally go up and down because it’s all still scary but I’m trying my best to stay positive. Praying and telling myself that all will be ok.