High white blood count

So I went to see my oncologist today because my fever still keeps coming back. Blood test showed that my white blood count was way too high which is what’s causing the fever. It’s high because of the neulasta which is meant to balance things out after the chemo suppresses your immune system. So next time I will not be taking neulasta after my next chemo treatment. At least we know there’s no infection and everything is okay.

Also the left underarm node can’t be felt anymore, so it may not even be there anymore. I am so grateful thank GOD. My oncologist said I’m responding beautifully. At least feeling terrible through chemo was and will continue to be worth it.

As I was leaving this woman came in and was visiting the nurses and staff. She’s been cancer free for 10 years!!! Awesome! I was so out of it at the time because I wasn’t feeling well but it was so great to see a 10 year survivor. 🙂

Short Year and a Long Life

First my oncologist did call me Friday night. She apologized for the confusion and bad communication on the part of her admin staff not letting me know that she was available and telling me just wasn’t. Anyhow she talked to me and wanted me to come see her. Told me when she’s at the hospital so I had a better idea of her availability. She also then gave me her cell number if I needed to reach her. She redeemed herself and alleviated the frustration I was feeling. Still not happy with how her staff handled things but she will hopefully deal with that.

My parents being in India and me having to cancel my trip has given me too much alone time. My mind was going to negative places so I started trying to find inspirational survivor stories (that were on a similar level to what I’m going through). Reading those stories helped my brain start to go in a better direction. It’s shocking how common breast cancer is today!

In an article I read, Dr. Carolyn Runowicz says that when you start chemotherapy/ treatment: “you just have to say, ‘this is a year of my life, and it’s going to be a short year and a long life’ “

Spoke too soon

It’s 7 days after my last chemo treatment and I am still feeling really crappy. Better than a few days ago but still not too well. I’ve had a fever every night for the past 5 days. Because I was worried I went to the ER 4 days ago. The did bloodwork, urine sample and a chest X-ray.  Everything was fine aside from me being dehydrated, so they kept me there giving me 2 L of fluids via an IV. Ugh. The next couple of days seemed slightly better but not much. The fever kept coming and going but I don’t really have any other symptoms. I stopped taking the codeine 2 days ago as the pain has been better and that drug I think may have been affecting my stomach. I had lost my appetite for days which finally came back last night. I’ve been hungry and eating a little more.

I had a trip to Arizona planned with my cousin and her friend but had to cancel. 😦  Because my parents thought I was gonna be away for 10 days they booked a trip to India. So they left yesterday and will not be back until my next chemo treatment. My brother came over today and will be back later tonight. He and my SIL and the girls will be here so I should be ok until Sunday. My aunt has also been stopping by to help cleanup or bring food.  My other aunt and uncle have offered to let me stay with them. I will figure things out by Monday. I was also supposed to go back to Edmonton after Arizona with my cousin. Right now have no idea what I’m going to do. For now I just want the fever to stop coming back.

This morning I felt ok but after taking a nap my head, neck, shoulder, leg … Most of my left side has been in pain. I also called to see if I could go see my oncologist but she is doing a presentation and not in today. I asked if I could see another oncologist and they said they’re too busy with their own patients and if I need to I should go to emerg. How annoying is that?! Anyways not going back to emerg unless fever is back and won’t go down or there is some new symptom. May not be able to see my oncologist until Monday. I asked if she was in tomorrow but no one has called me back and I need at least a day’s notice since my mom is no longer here to make other arrangements.

Well right on schedule fever is back but it’s low. I will take some Tylenol and go to sleep and see how I am later this evening. Hopefully my oncologist will be in Tmo.

Chemo #4 – new drug

So had chemo treatment 4 yesterday. Only one drug this time TAXOTERE. So far it’s been better as the treatment was shorter and I didn’t have the syringe with the red drugs being pushed in manually by the nurse which just feels awful. This was a drip and didn’t feel as bad. Relief! Oh other than keeping my nails/tips of fingers on ice.

Today is the day after and other than being a little tired I was okay. We will see what tomorrow is like … Now on to my vent which I seem to have a lot of lately.

VENT FOR TODAY

My oncologist wrote me the wrong prescription! The drug was correct but the duration/dosage were slightly off. The nurse pointed this out and then when I saw the other oncologist filling in for mine as she was off that day, he said it was okay and shouldn’t make much difference. Really I was a little extra drugged on Dexamethosone (sp??) anyhow the steroid. This time I had to take it pre chemo, usually it’s after. The pharmacist then said that bc I already had it pre chemo I don’t need it post. When I saw the oncologist filling in I think that’s what he said but I was out of it and can’t remember. To confirm I emailed my oncologist and she replies with “you still have to take it for 2 more days”. I think she forgot that I started the new chemo drug!! I’m really not liking her right now. She seems to be very forgetful. She told me a few weeks ago I could take an extra week in between my chemo cycle (I asked due to my vacation plans). The next time I saw her I wanted to confirm and she said oh no I forgot you haven’t had surgery yet so I’m not comfortable with more than 3 weeks. What the hell is wrong with her!? How do you mix that up!! Good thing I’m still clear enough with my chemo brain fog.
I will be sending her an email to leave the correct prescription for me as I need to get it before I go away on Wednesday. I need to take the drugs 2 days before chemo and I get back the night I need to take the drug. Ugh. Frustrating!!

On a happy note I haven’t really cried in 2 days. YAAAAYYYY!
My aunt from San Fran makes me laugh and at least my mom has some help. Also I’m physically not feeling as bad. When I do it affects me emotionally and I just want to cry. Part of it is just the frustration of being too tired to do anything. Keeping my fingers crossed and praying that tomorrow will be good.

PS. I just realized I have a lot of pink clothing and accessories. Lol

Gladiator

An in law of my cousins recently connected with me as she is going through the same thing. She just started her chemo last week but is at work this week! Good for her! I’m just off and feel I can’t do anything half the time until the week before chemo but then it starts all over again. She also seems to be in good spirits and has a great attitude. She’s definitely handling things well. I feel like I need to be a Gladiator. Sometimes I feel like it other times I don’t. I’m just so emotional all the time that it wears me out. As far as work is concerned I’ve taken the time off and have great benefits so don’t need to be there … Will definitely take advantage and and am thankful. Although on the flip side life does not feel normal. I just would not be able to focus at work right now. I will have to ask this friend how she does it.

Went to my apt to get clothes, did laundry and need to start packing for my trip. Have errands to do tomorrow … Want to get them done before chemo on wed. Chemo on wed with new drug ugh. I need to be a gladiator. It will be fine I can get through this. I made it through the first three. This will be okay too. One day at a time. In 7 weeks this part will be over. 🙂

Living with my parents has it’s moments. So last couple of days I was feeling quite depressed but fine today. Even helped my aunt workout! Hadn’t worked out or done anything in 3 months so it was a good thing. Need to get back on it.

Oh and I still need a wig. Just have gotten around to getting it yet. Wig shopping Tmo!

Just need to vent!

First of all, why is it that when you like a guy and you let him know all of a sudden he backs away. Did you do something? Is there a girlfriend? Did you let him know too soon so the chase is over and he has lost interest?? Can someone please tell me what the hell it is!? Maybe he’s just an immature jerk who likes playing games. Just annoying as hell and at 40 do I really need to be dealing with this crap? NO! I thought those stupid immature game playing days were done. Why I thought that I have no clue. I think I need to keep in. Ind that most men never grow up. Oh well. Moving on to my next vent …

So an aunt and uncle of mine came over to see me. They know that my relationship has ended and know that I’m going through chemo. The aunt as they’re leaving references the fact that the last time they were at my moms was my nikkah ceremony. Ok fine the last time they were here was relevant because of something new my mom had bought that they hadn’t seen. That should have been the end of that but no she decided to make a joke about the nikkah ceremony. Seriously!? My relationship ended 3 months ago and I’m now dealing with breast cancer and your going to joke about that day. I don’t want to even think about that day. The worst part is she kept going and my mom had to grab her hand and stop her! No one was laughing, we were all just staring at each other like what the fk is wrong with her! People can be so thoughtless and insensitive. Did she really think it was funny? What was the purpose of her idiotic joke? I will not be seeing her again for the time being. I can’t deal with any of that crap right now. At least she is not the one related to me. My uncle was very sweet sensitive and supportive. She never even came and asked me how I was feeling, how I’m doing, nothing. Oh well screw her. I’m really very clearly starting to see who people really are … Sadly it’s not all good.

Tired of being tired

Today I had more errands to do but after breakfast I went to sleep. When I woke up I had a fever?! For Those that don’t know having a fever during chemo can be dangerous as your immune system is suppressed. Still have a fever but it’s gone down from earlier. Also it didn’t reach the 38 deg C which is the threshold for go to emerg. I leave the house for one day and actually do stuff and the next day I’m sick. SIGH.

That just means I have more to do on the weekend. This is exhausting. I feel overwhelmed and my brain feels like I can’t think straight. Something that would not be stressful seems so stressful … Like packing for my trip. Packing usually is not stressful for me. I’m organized and can pack quickly and efficiently. I will make a list and do the same this time. I’ll be packed and have everything done by Sunday … I hope.

Fever is still there but gone down. I wanted to go look for wigs today. Obviously that didn’t happen.
At least it’s Thursday and I can watch my favourite shows. SCANDAL on at 10pm 😉

… Fever is gone. Whew!

Also my aunt is here from San Fran and my cousins gf knitted me a hat. That was so sweet and thoughtful of her. She wanted to call and say hello but I wasn’t up to talking today. I’ve met her only once but her knitting me something was very kind and sweet of her. Oh and the hat is cute and stylish! Also orange … One of my favourite colours! Although ironically right now I’m the crazy lady in pink lol. All pink stuff I’ve had for awhile. My pink terry robe, pink sleeve on iPad mini (which my other very generous aunt got me after diagnosis), and big pink retro handset for phone. LOL! So lucky for me I like pink as October seems to become pink October.

Got out today after days

Woke up extremely exhausted today. Damn this fatigue!!! Oh well. I still ate and got going. Had an appointment with my counsellor. We’re not focused on resolving any one issue at the moment because of the chemo and breast cancer but we still talk about everything. It’s helps. She’s expensive so it better be helping.

Then I went to my condo to drop off condo fees for the next couple of months. There had been a couple of showings in the past week! Which is good 🙂
I had to grab some stuff but still have to go back to pack for my trip. I think I will make a list and do that this weekend.

On the way home I stopped at MAC and bought some makeup. Not much just a gloss and duo bronzer/blush in the Rihanna limited edition line. Will post pics with me wearing it soon. FUN!
Makeup can be so much fun!!!

My aunt from San Fran is visiting right now and my cousins gf knitted me this adorable hat. It’s quite cute. That was very sweet and thoughtful of her to do that for me. My aunty brought me a gold Swarovski necklace. I will wear them both and take a pic. Thank god for the easy iPhone anywhere anytime pictures 🙂

It’s funny how I keep realizing over and over again who cares about me and what I’m going through. There are certain close friends that I still have not told … I’m not really sure why. I guess I’ll tell them when I’m ready. I can’t handle the dramatic reactions which is probably why I haven’t told them. I need calm supportive positive. It makes me feel better.

Meditation

The last couple of days I’ve been feeling really depressed. Couldn’t bring myself to do anything or snap myself out of it. I also cried a lot. It was one thing that started it but then I just sunk deeper. By the end of yesterday I did talk to my friend Sylvia and talking made me feel so much better I no longer felt as depressed. This morning I woke up feeling ok but again the same thing happened. It was an argument with my mom that started it and I just felt like I was sinking and felt depressed again. I slept all afternoon into the evening. Finally got up and showered late evening. Feel better.
I decided to start the meditation I had joined online. Deepak Chopra’s online meditation. Did the first one today and will try to continue for the next 2 weeks. It is relaxing and I want to get to a place where I can easily clear the clutter out of my mind.

My aunt from California is arriving within the hour. Should be fun and at least my mom will have help.

I feel very overwhelmed right now. I have a week to pack for my trip, get stuff from my condo, shop for a few things and get my errands done. Rest of the spa services I will save for my trip. I cannot wait!!! Great idea on my cousin Naureen’s part. I have to have everything packed, done and ready to go by Tuesday because Wed is chemo and then I can’t do anything for a week.

PS. not feeling depressed anymore. Hopefully will stay this way. Oh and I hate dating it’s just so confusing and not fun at the moment. Probably because I’m too emotional and not quite myself.

2 months now

Wow it’s been exactly 2 months since I was officially diagnosed. This has been the longest 2 months ever. Well I have seven and a half weeks until chemo is over. I can get through this, I’m halfway there.

It’s also been a whirlwind of emotion. Anger sadness depression then gratitude and happiness but then more anger sadness and frustration. Then on the days I feel physically better I feel thankful and happy to be alive. I just want my normal life back. I’m in Mississauga with my parents. Haven’t lived at home since my late 20s but I can’t imagine being anywhere else right now. I’m so thankful I have my mom. I also haven’t been able to go out or see my friends. I’m also not in the city and I miss it. I have no social life and that part is hard. I want to go out and do stuff but I’m just so damn tired all the time. Until the last week and then I have to see what I can do in the one week. That part is frustrating.

My life has turned into eating sleeping and watching tv. I’m just too tired to do anything else. I have to try harder to remember that it’s only temporary.

I have to pack this week for my trip to Tucson and then Edmonton. Can’t wait!! At least that will be a great break from everything.

Oh and I usually cry everyday but have not cried the last 2 days. I think. Maybe I did cry yesterday. Chemo brain fog is real, I can’t remember things half the time.

It’s going to be day 12 tomorrow and I’m going to pack and do my errands and have a semi normal week.